Somethings I Don't want you to know about me
(Well unless you read this)!
Long post alert and if you are currently dealing with depression, cancer, kidnap or extortion this post may not be for you at the moment.
Some things I don’t want you to know about me.
It was 5 years ago that my gradually increasing depression and almost self-imposed isolation reached its peak.
I remember the day as if it had only been yesterday. I know what clothes my wife and I were wearing and the exact time of day. My wife said “I’m not sure I can carry on like this”. It hit me hard. I have been married twice before and although I knew my depression was bad, I was relying on my wife to support me, carry me through it and I expected her to take on everything. I didn’t want to go out or socialise at all. I felt empty and had nothing to talk about and nothing anyone said interested me. I wouldn’t have killed my self (I’m far too much of a coward to do that), but if I could have pressed a button that meant I had never existed, I would have done it.
For me, the dark thoughts and unmanaged life events that led to this were crushing me. I only know this now. I believe if I had managed and worked on each of the issues as they came up, I would have coped better.
Firstly, a business I had set up hadn’t failed, but I had become so used to the conflict and negative energy that myself and 2 others contributed to within our company, that although I sometimes dreaded the next interaction – I kept going. I am a pleaser, I am a stickler and I am a controller. My head was truly in the sand. One day, while differing again on the direction we should take, I had an insight – I NEEDED TO LEAVE. I did, but after the initial relief and genuine well wishes to those left running the company, I really started to feel resentful. This had been my company, my idea, my baby! This was the first unresolved problem that started as a small ache in my mind. Because of a non-compete clause in my Directors contract, I literally did nothing for a year. I functioned just.
My second unresolved issue had happened many years ago. I joined a brand new start up company with an enigmatic leader who was so engaging and persuading. The detail is not so important here, but he kept from us all that VAT and Company taxes went unpaid for years. The way we were paid was questionable, although he had assured us it was HMRC compliant. We had no idea. In short, myself and others ended up owing HMRC tens of thousands of pounds and attempted to defend ourselves, and ended up paying a significant amount to a great Solicitor. This set me back financially for years after we settled.
Thirdly, my beautiful and kind mother received a cancer diagnosis, stage 4 and nothing could be done. My sister and I cared for her at home for the next 3 weeks and then she died. A massive hole was left for us both as our father had died many years before when we were in our late teens.
Lastly, my fourth life event was one of the strangest. I had got back in touch with a dear school friend after nearly 30 years of no contact. He too had received a cancer diagnosis and I supported him financially as he was living in very basic sheltered accommodation. I visited him, I bought him supplements, I paid for a few international holidays for him as he wouldn’t be around for much longer. We invited him to our wedding, he sang there and it was wonderful. One morning, when I woke up, there was an email from him entitled “Death, hopefully life”. He was away on what was probably his last holiday in Indonesia and he had been kidnapped. This email to me, was asking me to pay the ransom. My head was spinning. I called the police and they contacted Interpol. Within a few hours, they too were taking action and as I was working in the UK at the time, both a negotiator, translator and a detective from Thames Valley arrived at my rented accommodation.
I will leave the full details of the next 2 days out of this story, because I will retell it another time. However, by the time I had spoken briefly with my friend (he said the kidnappers wouldn’t let him speak to me for more than a few seconds at a time), I told him the address of the Western Union Office in Indonesia where his kidnappers would collect the ransom. From this point everything fell apart. The Indonesian police were waiting at the collection point, but my friend turned up there alone. He was questioned and soon confessed it had all been a massive con to get money from me. He was arrested, deported back to London and rearrested when he landed. His computers, phones and tablets were all taken away from where he was living. I contacted him just once after this and only asked him one question “Do you have cancer”?. He told me he didn’t. I was just devastated that he could treat me, who was a childhood friend and had helped him so much for the last 6 years, letting me believe he was terminally ill.
I have learned many lessons from not dealing with each of these issues as they occurred. I did not think until I started to, that I was even an avoider. So for me, these were the main lessons learned and confronting them was not easy:
1. My wife and I spent a small amount of time apart and decided after that, we wanted to work on our marriage. We did and we still are. We now talk about our feelings much more. We do not have expectations of each other, but we have agreements. We also have a wonderful 2 year old, Meghan.
2. It has taken me a while to realise that when working with others in a company (especially one that I formed), my will and determination were not enough. People are different and just because I wanted to take the company in a certain direction and run it my way, that didn’t work and never will. I’m learning to manage the controller side of my personality.
3. When I joined the entrepreneurial start up, I should have done my due diligence. Although the chairman was so convincing and inspiring, it is no one’s fault but my own that I did not check out both him and the accounting side of the company in full. The lesson learned here is as old as the hills, if something seems too good to be true – it probably is. It has also meant that going forward, I cut no corners and will not tolerate any schemes that appear shiny and golden. Building a business takes hard work and many years.
4. I have now grieved properly for my mum. I did so much to cover this over at the time. I have learned that grieving is one of the only “negative” emotions that is worth spending time on.
5. Three years after my friend staged his kidnapping and tried to extort even more money from me, I contacted him and wrote to him explaining deeply how his actions had affected me so negatively. I asked him to start paying the money back to me (as long as he could prove it was from a legitimate source). He is now doing that and has not missed a payment in nearly a year. I am also about to start paying back my friends who also fell for his lies and who sent him money too after hearing me relay his lies.
Today, I feel lighter and much more present because I have done the work and emerged from depression and what was sure to be a default future of another divorce and years of further depression. It has been hard but is so worth it. It is also the reason I now love deep and meaningful conversations with people (you can call it coaching if you like - but I do not use that label often).
If you have been affected or inspired by anything I have written, and would like to talk, I am here for you. Not only to empathise, but to listen deeply and help you on your own journey. As I know, seeking help is the first and hardest step and you can do it.